After over two decades of renting rooms in shared housing, with a few blissful years in between when able to rent a flat or house to myself I have my first home - a flat in East London. I am so blessed in this and alongside the physical sorting and space making has come an emotional outpouring which has required as much unpacking, careful ordering and analysis as the creation of my physical space.
I've scrubbed, cleaned, prepped and repainted the walls of the flat, filling cracks, sanding down, making good. The walls are now a beautiful shimmering white, some took four coats of paint to reach this state and it was an effort at times. Now these blank surfaces await my new projections, a holding space for whatever comes next, a base from which to grown further. I already feel more 'adult' in this space, not living under others rules.
During this process I discovered boxes that had been packed 13 years ago by the 30 year old me. Her hopes and dreams were contained in these cardboard boxes and tears flowed as I said hello to her and witnessed the dearly held plans and desires that hadn't worked out, and I looked at this life I have now and wondered how I got here.
And so, it goes on. Sort, recycle, sift, pass on what I no longer need, bin useless things - alongside I've binned emotional stuff too, working through regret, mistakes and also conjuring hope and a vision for my future. The experience has taken me as low as I can go, but you know what? I'm ok, more than ok. To allow myself to sink was necessary, to grieve properly, consciously, painfully, has cleared my chest and heart, and from this clearer space a new vision has emerged and that is wonderful.
So thank you flat, thank you cardboard boxes for the lessons, thank you younger self and the wise older self who is floating around for me, I'll meet her one day. There are many blessings in a broken heart, and the only way is through.
I'm finally beginning to understand this saying that has stayed in my head from somewhere, someplace. I've begun to 'do'.
'To know and not to do is not yet to know'
Wang Yangming
