pies

In a well known department store recently, I tried on a pair of jeggings. The word jeggings, while effective at describing a cross between jeans and leggings makes me shudder in its ugliness. Once on they felt a little too snug, did I need the next size up? The staff member in the fitting room was alone so couldn't retrieve the item for me, and I simply couldn't be bothered to remove the jeggings, so lagged in stretchy fabric off I scurried to find a bigger size.

While searching the rails a gentleman approached, one of the shop floor staff, telling me he had an eye for sizes. Upon hearing what I was after, he looked me up and down, gazed momentarily into my eyes and asked in a clipped African accent, Are you planning on eating all the pies? Ha! He did not keep to script, he was being himself, subtly scolding me for thinking I am bigger than I am. He amused me.

He was right, they were too big!

sock it to em!

Finished LATE last night, rainbow feet for spring!

sorrow

My grief floored me. I hung onto everyday life, but just. Getting through each day, holding down my job, reaching out to friends who mostly ignored me and with each return from a dip working out a strategy of how one earth I could cope with the next inevitable one. I wondered about informing my doctor, worried I'd struggle getting on an even keel with the next blow. It was monumentally hard. The experience has left me distant from many friends, the ones who didn't call to see how I was after I'd reached out, the ones I'd wept in front of and who never contacted me the following day, week... Is it because of the stigma of mental illness in one perceived as strong? I still cannot understand it.

My grief was that of a woman who realised she was not going to birth her much longed for children, of a woman who spent monumental amounts of energy on a relationship that wasn't all that and a regretted abortion at 29. Ending up single and childless has been a shock to the system, as if I've woken from a sleep that lasted throughout my 30's and early 40's. The advice below is hard won and personal - it helped me in the darkness, it may help others. 

With gratitude I am out of the worst (for now). I feel less alone and lonely, reconnected with the world, more excepting of the way my life is unfolding. I'm wiser, with a deepened understanding of self, an expansion in my compassion for all and aware of my inner voice, which is a loving and kind presence in my life.

Firstly, invite the depth of your grief to reveal itself:
I realised with dread that I needed to dive into my grief, really FEEL it in the hope that the only way out was through. My experience on The Hoffman Process gave me the tools and knowledge of feeling very deeply and coming through it... So, alone (though my self is a precious and courageous companion), I embarked on this journey.

When in deep grief:
♥︎ Electric blanket. It is horrendous getting into a cold bed alone every night when all you need is a warm hug and presence. I found the warmth from an electric blanket like the warmth from another body, from the space where your lover has just got up to make you a cup of tea. Sinking into a warm bed helped.

♥︎ Pillows! Pillows to surround yourself with, to press into your back, your stomach, to nest into, to hold onto. Recently I've purchased a 'v' shaped pillow and its lovely to wrap myself around.

♥︎  Positive mantras. At the beginning of my grief nights were very hard. The only way to cope was to talk over the negative voices in my head, the replays of 'what if...' replacing them with positive mantras, sometimes repeating them all night. I love and respect myself, I love and forgive myself, all is well, I am safe. I use these still, now they enter my head unbidden.

♥︎ Stones/crystals placed by my bed. I've a thing about stones, collecting them on walks over the years, arranging them along the window sills in my flat. I have neat rows of semi precious stones and crystals too, recently discovering palm stones. I researched their spiritual properties and have red jasper, tigers eye and fluorite within reaching distance of my bed. My head is often buzzing with thoughts and I cannot sleep - I reach for a palm stone and sometimes sleep/sometimes not, but they give me comfort.

♥︎ Allow the tears, feelings to well up and overflow. Let go, you may need to find a therapist to assist and support you in this work. And, it is work.

♥︎ Long baths. Combined with 'allowing', when feeling a lot I would run a warm bath, lay in it and sob, the warmth helped in some way. Soften the light, light candles, be small, sob, sob, sob.

♥︎ Place your hand on your heart and belly and b r e a t h e. This will end, you are working through, life will improve. Its hard to believe but, All Is Well. Your chest area will ache, allow and welcome the ache, remember your heart will open again. Your gut/your belly houses your sense of confidence in the world, you will belong again, you will. 

♥︎ Time limit on wallowing. Look at the pictures of your ex and their child, whatever your trigger is, weep over it, shout, scream, punch cushions... BUT put a date in your diary and then don't look again, allow yourself a month at most - then stop and stick to it. Throw away reminders, rip them up, create a ritual, breathe them out - get rid.

♥︎ Write. Write, write, write... Get your feelings out of your head and onto the page. I find physically writing onto paper most helpful, my scrawl unreadable and it doesn't matter. You need to exit this shit from your head. Keep it to read when you are feeling better, or rip it up, dance on it, burn it, destroy.

♥︎ Exercise. Move, dance, even when you don't feel like it. Negative thoughts are poison, physical expression will process and give action to your internal world - express, stomp, run, swim that fucker out.

♥︎ Find safe others. Your kin are out there, and though painful, by sharing how you feel you will find them. You will also find the friends who you no longer resonate with. This is painful in the midst of grief, BUT it is true. Find the others who can listen, not tell you what to do, compare their own lives... even if you find just one person they are your treasure...

♥︎ Sleep. Nighttime is dark in more ways than one. If you can, sleep much, if you can, think cat and nap nap nap.

♥︎ Food. I lived off pizza and chocolate and am still on a journey of finding my way to healthy eating, this may not be a thing for you but try your best not to do that!

♥︎ Suicide. If you get to the point where you don't want to exist anymore be careful, you know yourself. I got to this place but knew I wouldn't act on it. I did get to a point where I realised, if I get this low again I need help. I wondered about informing my doctor next time, fortunately next time never came. When your mood is not so low write an action plan, who to contact if you feel really bad, keep this information in an accessible and safe place. GET HELP if you are vulnerable. 

When you feel a little better:
♥︎ Flowers. Flowers by your bed, on your desk, you are worth flowers. A bunch of daffodils lift the spirits when you are no longer in the quagmire of deep grief.

♥︎ Open heart. When you feel tightness in your chest think about your heart opening, with all its cracks, scars and wounds your remarkable heart is opening. You are brave.

♥︎ Keep up the exercise. Get strong, build muscle, you are powerful.

Share your understanding with the world, it will connect you to the grieving others, the tribe of open hearted warriors. Good luck sunbeams!