As I age I am aware that alongside the current me are my younger selves, the eight year old, the sixteen year old, the twenty eight year old. I often catch her younger eyes peering out of my face, and welcome the hopeful girl, the girl with the sensitive and compassionate heart. The younger me could run barefoot and whippet fast on the grass of the school field, winning all races. When she springs into action now she is confused that this body doesn't move with such ease.
With good fortune, I am at the midpoint of my life, my awareness continues to develop and deepen. I stand on this road looking back at my past and turning my head towards the future, how will I view 'here' in the coming years? Working with children of all ages I am reminded of my own childhood, the things that were mysterious and unknowable that I couldn't share with an adult, one of these things was BREASTS. As a girl of eight I knew they were my destiny, but how?
It was a summer day and I was standing in the front bedroom wearing a flowery sleeveless dress of some 1970's synthetic material. Studying my reflection in the full length mirror I focused upon my chest, maybe running my hands over it, knowing 'it' would change. Having prepared for this moment I popped two empty silver jam tart cases up my dress to create neat little mounds, not pleased, not happy with the results. Puzzled, I wondered were breasts like camels humps? Did they hang? I didn't have a scooby do! Time solved this particular mystery, it didn't take many more years as I was one of those unfortunate primary school girls who develop early, too early.
Sadly, my childhood was unsafe, with adults who were out of control with addiction, depression and their own deep wounds that made them unavailable. The girl and young woman within me is still hurting, still heartbroken, but also cheeky and bright and hopeful. The girl who pushed jam tart cases up her dress, the girl who took her fathers bottles from their hiding places around the house and lined them up along the garden path, the innocent girl who spoke the truth and suffered for it, she is here.
