Sunday, 3 March 2013

jean

Jean has been on my mind. We met on my first visit to the local launderette in late January. Upon opening the door I was greeted by a lady focusing her attention on me and a smiling young man appearing pleased to see me, walking past and out the door. The reason for his speedy departure become clear as Jean approached and requested help with putting her money in the machine to start her wash. I took the measure of her and did not feel threatened, sensing she was someone that would be easy to dismiss and ignore. I had an hour wait while my washing swished about, so we began to talk.

Jean was 74, but will be 75 now her birthday was on the 24th February. We share a birth month and she wished me many happy returns and asked that I wish her the same. Her disabled husband was at home and had been moaning about a lack of clean pants, hence lugging her trolly of washing to the launderette. It turned out we lived on the same road, though Jean is not happy in her ground floor flat, telling me she found it dark and depressing. She is on medication for depression and wants to move into sheltered housing but can't take her much loved dog there, so is in limbo. She was born in Paddington to a scottish mother and a geordie father, and her stepdad had come from Birmingham. I wondered aloud if that was why her accent wasn't very London, she replied, 'I don't have an accent, I'm from London', which is something my mum surprised me with once, her and Jean are of the same era. Jean and I have scottish heritage in common and she had never been to Scotland but would have liked to go. Jean was crestfallen and concerned for me when I mentioned I didn't believe in God, she said a prayer, then asked me to repeat another asking Jesus to forgive me for not believing. She asked me to kiss her cheek and though I would not normally be compliant to such a request, felt in this case that it would bring her joy, and it did. There is a great epidemic of untouched people, and it is troubling.

Jean told me she had a son who would be 60, born on the 20th December 1952, when she was just 15. She told a little of the birth and how it had hurt, that she kept him a week or so but being underage he was taken away. She thinks she saw him at 5 years old, when a little boy came to her door and tears had streamed down her face. A couple of years later she saw a boy in the shop where she worked and recognised him. Jean never saw him again. 'Do you think he remembers me?', I reassured her that he did and must wonder about her. Jean mentioned she sometimes cries at night over her son, 60 years on. Her husband had been understanding of her past when they married.

Towards the end of our conversation she mentioned she had been happiest in her life when living in Cricklewood with her husband, though someone had broken into their home and cut up her clothes. Police said she must have an enemy, though she never found out who.

Jean's parting advice to me was to wear my charm bracelet inherited from my cousin Krysia. It will bring me luck. I hurried home with an aching heart and hung out my washing, I wanted to give Jean something so wrote her a birthday card and rushed back to the launderette, she was still there and I gave her the card and we shook hands and said goodbye. I'll be leaving Dyne Road in a week, so will probably not bump into jean again. She reminded me of the stories strangers hold, how listening and responding to another gives both parties something. I'm glad to have met Jean and wish her well.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

three little words (+ A)

Oh yes, shop mentioned three times in the name of a shop. Its a shop. I LOVE THIS. Its inspired a new little game in my head and I'm thinking about how ridiculous words can sound when repeated. While looking for a shoe I'll say to myself, shoe-shoe-a-shoe, or upon seeing mans best friend, I'll say, dog-dog-a-dog... etc etc. My own silly mantra.  

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

singhsbury's

This got me chuckling the other day, camera-less, I vowed to return and take a picture. Last week I saw another corker of a shop front on Leyton High Road, again without my camera so planning a return trip to record the wonder! Note to self - take camera everywhere...

smoke and mirrors

My little sister reached the big four-oh in early January and we braced ourselves for a chilly trip to the beautiful city of Edinburgh. Staying just off the Leith Road I had Sunshine on Leith running through my head... tis a good song, a located song and I was within its sphere of influence (do you remember that in geography?), so happy to serenade myself.

We walked for miles throughout the city and beyond in what turned out to be unseasonably mild weather. The festive illuminations at night and the new-ish phenomena of using light to alter places was a delight. I loved the trees picked out in specks of white light on the horizon, becoming drawings, negatives of themselves against the winter dark. We visited the Camera Obscura, fascinating and engaging in parts, mostly tired looking. We got our monies worth out if bendy mirrors, body outlines captured by flashes of light that gradually faded, tricks with perspective and a room that appeared to be full of stars reaching into the far distance...

We gazed up at the big wheel during our visit but never had a spin. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!
  





Tuesday, 4 December 2012

scotland

Last month I visited the places my father and his family came from: Elgin, Bernie, Lossiemouth and Burghead. These villages and towns are by the Moray Firth, along the North East coast of Scotland. The Moray Firth delineates the outermost edges of habitat for dolphins to survive (but not thrive) and the Aurora Borealis has been seen from this coast, it is a beautiful place. If you drew a straight line east from Elgin you would arrive at the southern tip of Norway, somewhere I was lucky enough to visit last year and the echo of Scotland was apparent in the landscape (and visa versa). I feel a strong connection to these lands and have a sense of home and belonging when I'm there. This trip was about creating space to be in, look at and experience by walking around and about. This time I was drawn to historic religious buildings and the particular vernacular of this region, structure, history, solid things that will outlive me.

I've visited this region of Scotland since I was a toddler, the agricultural landscape is in my blood somehow, the towns, the lanes, the skies, the deep rich soil, the scattered farms, the distilleries. To be there helps me in my understanding and communication with those who have gone before, my flesh and blood. Though it may sound romantic it's not particularly, I can understand that it was a hard life for them eking out their livings in these places and surviving two world wars. The other side of the coin is that they must have also experienced beauty in their lives and lived the spirit of these landscapes. They would have felt its power and their own power too.

Looking up from Elgin Cemetery

Elgin Cemetery - in memory of their children

Elgin Cathedral

Elgin Cathedral

Elgin Cathedral

Cathedral tombstone

Spynie Palace

 View towards Lossiemouth from Spynie

 Elgin

 Elgin

 Burghead

 Cooper Park, Elgin

   Pluscarden Abbey

dad

A days walking ritual from Elgin to Lossiemouth and back in forgiveness and in honour of my father Robert Logan. 














Thursday, 22 November 2012

wooly thinking

knitting - pattern - mapping
anxiety - belonging - getting lost - getting found


solace in the familiar
in making
in creating
doing what I know I can
not thinking too hard
seeing the impact of time and skill
a stitch for a step
a way to avoid and hide
a way to find myself
to feel the ache of sitting too long
to imagine the next project while working on this one

the wool 
a line 
that will guide me out of the dark forest
a trail of bread to be eaten by birds
an escape route
a rhythm 
a beat 
a measure