lovely lonely

Just now I intended to write lonely but my fingers typed lovely, a one letter difference which made me smile.

LOVELY

LONELY

LONELY

LOVELY

I'm someone who is at the end of her family line, the finale of the people who birthed people since the beginning of human time. Big stuff.

Without parents and grandparents, without uncles and aunts - all dead. Without nephews or nieces, I'm not an aunt. Without partner or children, I am no-ones mother and for a son or a daughter I will never bow my knee.

Lonely lives in my chest, unconnected by blood I'm self reliant and can cope with levels of isolation that would drive others bonkers. Pre lockdown I was lonely, post lockdown I'll be lonely. It's not something to pity or fix, it is an appropriate emotion in relation to my circumstances.

Obviously I've been unable to do the things that buoy me for over a year now, at times the isolation has been profound. Tentatively, with feelings of shame I've shared with particular friends that I'm spending a lot of time alone, or directly stating that I'm lonely. Responses have been interesting: 

Oh, we don't see anyone (friend who lives with partner and adult child)

I'm the same (friend who lives with partner/child and who's parents are living)

You can spend time with my daughter!!! (person who lives with husband/three children who's parents are living)

Oh, we just say say to each other do you want a cup of tea! (friend living with partner and dog)

I'd love to be alone, the children don't give me a moment (friend living with extended family - mother, brother, sister-in-law, nephews and niece)

These responses serve to deepen isolation and end the conversation, they also confused me. Not one person took a moment to acknowledge what I'd said, it became about them. This got me thinking does everyone feel lonely? Is my life so unimaginable and unfathomable that others have no way to relate? Am I expected to shut up? Am I not playing the game? Did I bring this on myself? The weight of Culture heavy as a leftover woman, a spinster, an old-maid. 

For those of us without partner or family how do we connect and relate to others in a family orientated and pro-natal world? A world where we are negatively portrayed. Is someone like me allowed a voice? Should I shoulder this alone? Is it shameful to admit to being lonely? Why does it trigger a defensive response?

Everyone is at the end of their respective tethers but I manage to not tell others how fortunate they are to have living family, could this empathy be returned?  

scotland

 Burghead

 Roseisle

 Roseisle

 Burghead

 Findhorn

Findhorn Foundation

ashes

Yesterday would have been mum's 82nd birthday. Yesterday we buried her ashes in the family plot. Doreen Edna Logan joins her mother and two of her sisters on the East Road in Islington and St Pancras cemetery. 

Mum kept a photo of her mother by her bed until the end of her life, this photo was placed in her coffin before cremation. They are reunited. 

My mothers ashes in her petal urn

burghead

My grandfather, John Logan was born and raised in Burghead, Morayshire and my sister and I are renting a fisherman's cottage there for a week from tomorrow. It sounds impossibly romantic, but the online pictures of the cottage show swirling 70's carpets and dodgy decor - just how I like it! Not knowing my grandparents has bought the seeker and feeler out in me, piecing together stories with an intuitive mix of research and guesswork. What will I learn about John? What will I feel in the coming week? As much as I like questioning I enjoy the unknowing too, being comfortable with uncertainty.  

scotland

Last month I visited the places my father and his family came from: Elgin, Bernie, Lossiemouth and Burghead. These villages and towns are by the Moray Firth, along the North East coast of Scotland. The Moray Firth delineates the outermost edges of habitat for dolphins to survive (but not thrive) and the Aurora Borealis has been seen from this coast, it is a beautiful place. If you drew a straight line east from Elgin you would arrive at the southern tip of Norway, somewhere I was lucky enough to visit last year and the echo of Scotland was apparent in the landscape (and visa versa). I feel a strong connection to these lands and have a sense of home and belonging when I'm there. This trip was about creating space to be in, look at and experience by walking around and about. This time I was drawn to historic religious buildings and the particular vernacular of this region, structure, history, solid things that will outlive me.

I've visited this region of Scotland since I was a toddler, the agricultural landscape is in my blood somehow, the towns, the lanes, the skies, the deep rich soil, the scattered farms, the distilleries. To be there helps me in my understanding and communication with those who have gone before, my flesh and blood. Though it may sound romantic it's not particularly, I can understand that it was a hard life for them eking out their livings in these places and surviving two world wars. The other side of the coin is that they must have also experienced beauty in their lives and lived the spirit of these landscapes. They would have felt its power and their own power too.

Looking up from Elgin Cemetery

Elgin Cemetery - in memory of their children

Elgin Cathedral

Elgin Cathedral

Elgin Cathedral

Cathedral tombstone

Spynie Palace

 View towards Lossiemouth from Spynie

 Elgin

 Elgin

 Burghead

 Cooper Park, Elgin

   Pluscarden Abbey