Just now I intended to write lonely but my fingers typed lovely, a one letter difference which made me smile.
LOVELY
LONELY
LONELY
LOVELY
I'm someone who is at the end of her family line, the finale of the people who birthed people since the beginning of human time. Big stuff.
Without parents and grandparents, without uncles and aunts - all dead. Without nephews or nieces, I'm not an aunt. Without partner or children, I am no-ones mother and for a son or a daughter I will never bow my knee.
Lonely lives in my chest, unconnected by blood I'm self reliant and can cope with levels of isolation that would drive others bonkers. Pre lockdown I was lonely, post lockdown I'll be lonely. It's not something to pity or fix, it is an appropriate emotion in relation to my circumstances.
Obviously I've been unable to do the things that buoy me for over a year now, at times the isolation has been profound. Tentatively, with feelings of shame I've shared with particular friends that I'm spending a lot of time alone, or directly stating that I'm lonely. Responses have been interesting:
Oh, we don't see anyone (friend who lives with partner and adult child)
I'm the same (friend who lives with partner/child and who's parents are living)
You can spend time with my daughter!!! (person who lives with husband/three children who's parents are living)
Oh, we just say say to each other do you want a cup of tea! (friend living with partner and dog)
I'd love to be alone, the children don't give me a moment (friend living with extended family - mother, brother, sister-in-law, nephews and niece)
These responses serve to deepen isolation and end the conversation, they also confused me. Not one person took a moment to acknowledge what I'd said, it became about them. This got me thinking does everyone feel lonely? Is my life so unimaginable and unfathomable that others have no way to relate? Am I expected to shut up? Am I not playing the game? Did I bring this on myself? The weight of Culture heavy as a leftover woman, a spinster, an old-maid.
For those of us without partner or family how do we connect and relate to others in a family orientated and pro-natal world? A world where we are negatively portrayed. Is someone like me allowed a voice? Should I shoulder this alone? Is it shameful to admit to being lonely? Why does it trigger a defensive response?
Everyone is at the end of their respective tethers but I manage to not tell others how fortunate they are to have living family, could this empathy be returned?
